In my experience empathy can make or break a relationship. Empathy can be improved through couples therapy.
Communication
When a couple attends for therapy they have usually come to a stalemate in one or more aspects of their communication. The individuals might feel taken for granted. Both parties tend to be extreemely hurt or have reached a state of apathy in the relationship. Often they are at various stages of believing that they are in the right and that the relationship would be okay, if only their partner changed. But self-reflection of both parties is required for couples therapy to move forward.
Hurt and Apathy
When we feel hurt, we feel vulnerable. Vulnerability activates the primal defence system. Many understand this as the fight/flight/freeze response. When we feel annoyed or hurt, our focus turns to protecting ourselves. It’s very difficult to feel empathy for the person who we see as responsible for our hurt. Simply put, hurt creates defence, and this effects how we communicate with, and regard our partner. When we are feeling sensitive about, or triggered by, a particular issue, out partner’s words or actions can land on a ‘sore spot’.
Blame
Hurt can create blame, and blame breeds resentment and self righteousness. It sends us into a place of rumination on our partners’s wrongdoings. Seeing them as the ‘bad guy’ and ourselves as the victim. This limits our perspective and our ability to self-reflect.
Creating a space within ourselves to put ourselves in the our partner’s shoes is so important. Even when we believe they are objectively in the wrong. Empathy can open up the ability to communicate, particularly about the problematic issue. It makes it easier to listen to our partner’s experience.
Self-reflection
Self-reflection also opens up the opportunity to see if there are themes in the relationship that trigger your hurt. Own your own emotions. Using the format of ‘I feel…(emotion e.g. hurt).. when you….. (insert the behaviour here). This sentence format helps to remove the aspect of blame from the interaction.
No one person is going to get it right 100% of the time. It’s important to own where we might have been hurtful or unsupportive in the relationship, including when this was unintentional, or a result of a misunderstanding. Owning what we are responsible for usually makes it easier for our partner to do also own what has been their responsibility. Of course this works best if both parties attempt to feel empathy for the other.
*The above does not necessarily apply in cases within abusive relationships, including coercive control. Please seek individual professional help if you are living with domestic violence e.g. https://www.safeireland.iehttps://www.safeireland.ie , https://www.womensaid.ie https://www.mensaid.iehttps://www.mensaid.ie
*The above does not necessarily apply in cases within abusive relationships, including coercive control. Please seek individual professional help if you are living with domestic violence e.g. https://www.safeireland.iehttps://www.safeireland.ie , https://www.womensaid.ie https://www.mensaid.iehttps://www.mensaid.ie
Liz Wright Psychotherapy 