Most of us would like to think we handle relationship bumps reasonably well. But the truth is, when we feel hurt by the person we love, something in us often reacts long before we’ve had a chance to think. We go into old, familiar patterns — patterns designed to protect us, even if they often make things worse.
In therapy, I often see people who wonder why a small comment from their partner can spark such a big internal reaction. Understanding your defensive style can be a really useful starting point.
The Many Ways We Protect Ourselves
When something feels emotionally risky, we tend to lean on one or more of the following responses:
- Fight – pushing back, getting argumentative or trying to take control.
- Flight – stepping away emotionally or physically; avoiding the difficult conversation.
- Freeze – becoming stuck, overwhelmed, unable to respond.
- Fawn – appeasing, smoothing things over, trying to keep the peace at any cost.
- Fix – getting busy ‘sorting the problem’ instead of facing the feelings beneath it.
- Collapse/Submit – sinking into hopelessness or despair.
If you recognise yourself in more than one of these, you’re in good company. Most people move between them depending on the situation.
Terry Real’s Relationship Grid
Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy, designed a simple but powerful grid that helps us understand why we react the way we do.
The grid has two axes:
1. Pride ↔ Shame (How we feel about ourselves)
On one end we have pridefulness — that “I’m right” stance. On the other, shame, that sinking feeling of being “less than.”
Many people are surprised to learn that pride and shame are two sides of the same coin. Pride often masks deeper feelings of inadequacy; shame shrinks us down.
The middle ground — humility — is where we feel equally worthy as our partner.
2. Over-Boundaried ↔ Under-Boundaried (How we relate)
Some of us ‘pull away’ when hurt. We go inward, detach, or guard ourselves — this is the over-boundaried or ‘walled off’ side.
Others ‘lean in too much’, becoming over-involved in our partner’s feelings — this is under-boundaried.
The healthy centre is connection with differentiation: close, but not merged; separate, but not distant.
The Four Defensive Positions
| OVER-BOUNDARIED & PRIDEFUL (Grandiose, distant) • Emotional Flight • Righteous • Mean-spirited • Under-involved • Doesn’t express vulnerability | UNDER-BOUNDARIED & PRIDEFUL (Grandiose, enmeshed)| • Fight / Fix • Righteous • Over-concerned • Over-engaged • Overt-control |
| OVER-BOUNDARIED & SHAMEFUL (Shameful, withdrawn) • Freeze / Collapse • Hopelessness • Emotional retreat / avoidance • Feels defeated, downtodden • Shut down | UNDER-BOUNDARIED & SHAMEFUL (Shameful, enmeshed) • Fawn • Over-accommodating • Self-neglect • Fear of upsetting partner • Subtle control |
Where these two axes meet, we get four common ways people behave when they’re at their worst:
1. Prideful and Withdrawn
“I’m right — and I don’t need this”
Here you might shut down, retreat, or avoid the conversation altogether.
This is the classic flight reaction — disconnecting to avoid discomfort.
2. Prideful and Enmeshed
“I’m right — and you need to see it my way.”
Here you stay engaged, but in a controlling or argumentative way.
This can look like fight or fix — lots of energy, but not much listening.
3. Shameful and Withdrawn
“I give up.”
This is where people feel small, hopeless or overwhelmed.
Often a freeze or collapse response.
It can look like disengagement, but it’s really despair in disguise.
4. Shameful and Enmeshed
“Your needs come first — mine don’t matter.”
Here you may over-accommodate your partner, defer, or try to placate them.
This is the fawn response — and it can become passively resentful over time. It may involve subtle attempts to influence your partner’s behaviour.
Why These Reactions Make Things Harder
Each of these defensive positions gets in the way of clearing the air.
- If you’re on the withdrawn side (positions 1 and 3), you avoid the very engagement needed to repair.
- If you’re on the enmeshed side (positions 2 and 4), you may push too hard or try too much to get your partner to change.
Both are understandable. Both are human. And both can keep us stuck.
The Real Challenge: Moving Towards the Centre
The centre of the grid is the ideal:
connected, humble, grounded, and able to tolerate difference.
This doesn’t mean we agree with our partner all the time — or that we never get triggered. It simply means we’re able to stay connected to ourselves and to them, even when we disagree.
Some things that help:
- Staying curious rather than righteous
- Remembering that differences don’t mean danger
- Allowing space for your partner’s feelings
- Staying with your own experience without pulling away
- Letting go of the idea that only one of you can be “right”
Relationships naturally bring up old wounds — that’s not a sign something is wrong. In fact, it’s part of why intimate relationships can be such powerful places for growth.
Empathy and Understanding
When we can step back from our defensive positions, empathy follows naturally. We begin to see the hurt underneath our partner’s reaction, and we understand our own responses more clearly as well.
With that understanding, communication becomes easier, conflict becomes less threatening, and staying connected — even during difficult moments — becomes more possible.
You can also find this article at www.wellnessrooms.ie
If you’d like to get a sense of your primary defence style, Terry Real’s quiz below is a helpful place to start. Just remember: the result reflects the version of you under stress, not the whole of who you are. The quadrant descriptions are quite general, so they can sound more extreme than what you might recognise in yourself. After you get your quiz results, feel free to unsubscribe from Terry Real’s emails if you don’t want to stay on his mailing list.
Therapy for Individuals and Couples 